Resisting temptation

I am currently resisting temptation. It's harder than advertised and takes more energy than anything I can think of. (yes, I know I ended that sentence with a preposition, but nobody reads this anyway, right?) Anyway, as I was saying, resisting temptation is much like struggling against the most persistent warrior who wants to do everything in his/her power to defeat you. Funny thing is, I feel like that trying to resist temptation. Like a warrior doing everything in her power to defeat an enemy. It's brutal. I know I could alleviate this awful full feeling with a few heaves and a ho. Don't ask.
I know I could relieve the boil of anxiety inside with a few slashes on the arm. Again, don't ask. I'm a ball of nerves for no apparent reason.

I look at my life from different angles and I see different things. From one angle I see someone doing something she loves, surrounded by friends, and the benefactor of generosity from all. From another angle, I see an epic failure. How can those two polar opposites be true? How can I all at once, be a successful career person with talents beyond description and an epic failure with no reason to live?
Such a a complex world it is.

I want to run away to Europe and never come home. I've been saying that for 20 years. All talk and no action. I conjure up a thousand excuses about why I can't do it. 20 years' worth of excuses rolled up into one giant ball of fear. I'm afraid and I won't admit it. Fear stops me from "running away" because I don't know what I would be running to. (another sentence ending with a preposition). But, still I say "one day I'll run away to Europe and never come home". Right. And one day I'll lose those 50 pounds again.

Moral of the story....carpe diem. Just carpe diem, people. And never look back.

The Dark Side of Me

Lately I feel the strong urge to engage in destructive behavior. All of the behaviors I have worked so hard to keep at bay. I'm torn between WANTING them back in my life because they're easy, familiar, and comforting in a weird way, and pushing them away with all my might because I remember the rock bottom place they took me to not that long ago. But their pull is so strong....Mia still looms over me all the time and in fact, I let her win tonight. I was angry because I gave in, and still angrier because I didn't do it "well enough". WHAT? And Ana...she mocks me every day. Every hour. I feel so inadequate because I can't even live her life for one hour...I always give in. Mia says she's save me. But she doesn't. Katia is tempting too...if it weren't for the indelible scars she leaves, I'd go for that secret white box of sharp objects. I sit bewildered and confused as to why I'd even entertain such horrible thoughts. I thought I was smarter than this...that's what people always said. But those people didn't understand. They made me feel ashamed and stupid and worthless, which sent me further down the spiral of destruction. I thought I was better, but now I know it was all smoke and mirrors. Drugs to numb me, phony lies, and empty promises. Nobody cared. They never understood. But I believed them for so long! I hate them all now. I resent their conniving ways and their lies shrouded in half truths.
I wish I were dead sometimes. I think of all of the people I know who lost their lives and I feel angry that it was never ME. I didn't even care about life. They wanted to live. And yet, the cruel joke is, I am still alive. Suffering with no way out. I can't escape. It's already been done. I can't do that to my family again. Where is the exit? How do I get out of here? I hate myself and I feel like a fraud. An impostor.

Marching on...

My last post was about how short February is. Well, it flew by and yet it seems a lifetime has passed since last I wrote. I'm feeling my age and noticing the rapid passing of time as I get closer to "a certain age". Ahem. It's almost heart-stopping to think that my life is more than half over. I have less left than I've already lived! Don't mean to be morbid, but it's something with which I struggle when I analyze it too much. Which is all the time. I should stop thinking so much.

Then I find my thoughts rambling over to the "what have I done with my life"? feeling. And I don't know the answer. As such a type A person who always had a "plan" and was driven to stay on the road to success (or at least follow my dreams), I find it oddly ironic that I look back and think I've done next to nothing and more-so that I look forward and have absolutely no idea where I'm going. I guess it all goes back to how I never planned to live this long. I thought my crazy escapades would have taken me off this earth long ago. And quite frankly, they should have. Sigh. I don't know if it's a cruel joke that I'm the one who is still alive while so many dear friends have had their lives cut short. They WANTED to live. I didn't. So...what made it so that I'm still here? I'm the only person I know who isn't afraid of dying. I'm afraid of OTHER people dying, for sure.

People laugh when I say I feel old. I know, by comparison, I'm not *that* old, but * I * feel old...I mean thirty-fourteen? Yikes. I can't even think about it. It's 14 years past what I considered my expiration date. But if I say that out loud, people think I belong in the looney bin. And maybe I do. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be locked up with no expectations of being responsible or even cognizant. I don't know, but it's a thought. Probably not one I should admit.

On another note, I am sick and tired of being fat. I am doing everything I can to return to my lean ways, but somehow, my body is betraying me. I exercise more than I did before, eat less and still I continue to be large. Huge. Enormous. It's so frustrating! Why can other people follow diets and exercise so easily and the pounds fall off? It's probably my own fault for wrecking my metabolism. Karma bites you in the (fat) ass every time.

Ok...enough kvetching for one evening. I don't know if this is helpful to anyone. Maybe I should make use of my <delete> button.

February

The shortest and most intense month of the year. Well, the shortest anyway. I'm pondering the way time flies by and how I still feel like it's 1980 and I'm a little kid. Where does the time go? How have I managed to get to ...ahem...middle age?!!!! Ack.

Ah well... I had a small realization tonight that my life is pretty good. I have jobs I love and hobbies I love even more. I'm surrounded by an eclectic group of people I call friends and they are the most generous, kind, loving, amazing people I could ever be lucky enough to know. I pretty much hit the lottery of friends.

I guess that's it for tonight. I wish I had more to say, but I feel lost for words.

Late night musings

I always admire people who blog frequently or at least on a regular basis. I also admire people who blog about something specific--a trip to somewhere fantastic, adventures in the life of mom, or whatever. My blog seems to be a random smattering of sarcasm and self-indulgent prattle. Ah well...I shouldn't go on another "everyone's better than I am at everything" jag, which this could quickly turn into if I'm not careful. But I'll be careful.

I really do enjoy writing and words have so much interest to me. Almost as much as the color that adorns most of my life. I love combinations of words and how they mean more when you add one to the other in just the most eloquent way. Or even not in an eloquent way, but just some way that sparks an interest you never knew was there.

I often wonder do people read this blog? Do they stumble upon it and read a few words and then move on? Or do they seek it out to find out the next Sapphire Soprano musing? Either way, I'm happy writing it. I throw my thoughts into the universe and wonder if they'll come back.

I find myself inspired lately and wonder if that's how the paths of life go. Every turn and twist in the proverbial road can change everything. I like that.

As a great poet said, "I took the road less traveled and that has made all the difference". (or something like that)

SS

Insomnia?

It's way too late and I'm still awake pondering my existence or something like that. Insomnia is a strange and mysterious creature.

I'm at some point where I start thinking about my life and where it went, where it's going, and where it is. I've done so much, yet I've accomplished nothing when I think of the long (and as of now incomplete) bucket list of mine. Sigh. I get so caught up in the mundane that I think I forget to live. Wait, does that make me dead? Hmm.

On a random note, I've decided to dye my hair blue along with the purple. I'm sure my mother will love it. Not.

SS

Bucket List (feeling my age)

My Bucket List (a work in progress)

1. live in Italy for and extended period of time. (min 6 months)
2. Travel to Greece, Poland, Russia, Turkey.
3. Visit Auschwitz
4. Become fluent in Italian (again)
5. do a benefit recital
6. Get a job in arts admin
7. lose 50 pounds (WTF? Did I just broadcast that?) Just keep going...no comment.
8. meet Ira Glass
9. Meet Obama
10. Live to see a woman become the US president
11. Make a difference in the world by doing something important
12. be kinder
13. be more patient
14. work for myself
15. perform in a musical
16. take acting lessons
17. learn to play the piano better
18. Go to Hawaii
 more to come.....

added on Feb 4, 2014
I hesitate to add more because 18 is really my lucky number. But bucking superstition for a moment, I'll go for it.

19. blog more (did I already say that?) Early senility? Late senility? Whatever. This is all I can muster today.
Sigh.

added Feb 15, 2014
20. learn to cook.
21. be brave enough to have friends over for a meal (that I actually made and didn't just heat up).
22. become vegan for more than 5 minutes.