Stupid diet...don't leave me.

So I started yet another diet. Sigh. It's probably the 5000th one I've done in my lifetime and it probably won't be the last. It's my version of the ever popular "Slow Carb" or "4 hour body" or whatever the f*ck it's called. In short it eliminates most of my favorite food groups: Cheese and carbs. After a little more than 2 weeks (it seems like 2 years at this point), I am desperately craving everything I'm not supposed to eat. I have "cheated" like the diet says you can, but seriously, I want a giant pile of nachos with cheese, sour cream, and a side of mac and cheese. And pizza. And extra carbs in my mashed potatoes for dessert. Ugh. At the same time I want to dive into the dairy-carbed out deliciousness, I am actually AFRAID of those foods now. I see them and I immediately hear the dialogue in my head about you can have some, You can't have some. You *could* have some, But you *shouldn't* have any. But you could have it all. So now I'm teetering precariously on the edge of f*ck this stupid ass diet and maybe if I keep doing this, I'll actually be skinny. Right. I know I'll NEVER be skinny. Even when I was skinny (by society's standards) I was still fat. And in case you're wondering, yes, I have eating/food issues. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, purged it, and started again.
Isn't there a magic pill or something? Sigh.......

I really am grateful

A cheesy I am grateful for post: (you've been warned)

I am grateful for the wonderful and generous friends and family who surround me every day as I wander through life.

I am grateful for the people who remind that being rich doesn't always mean having a lot of money.

Although I admit to being envious of those who seem to be able to travel frequently, attend interesting events, and do things outside of the wherewithal (is that a word?) of my bank account, I realize I am so fortunate. I have seen much of the world through the eyes of my chorus (next stop: Argentina!)

Do I wish I could do more? Yes. Am I still grateful? Definitely. Am I sometimes still envious? YES.
Sigh....

Another almost missed opportunity

I almost missed meeting the coolest person I've met in a long time. And....she's related to me! Because I was tired, grouchy, and feeling selfish, I almost didn't meet her. But, I scrambled to GMST (get my sh*t together) and I agreed to meet her. I have never been more glad that I went against my instinct. She was AWESOME. Exciting, funny, smart, kind, hilarious, and awesome in every way possible. I can't wait until the next time I can see her. I left feeling like I wanted to BE her...only in my own way. To my surprise, she, too, thought I was fabulous. I love when that happens. And yes, flattery will get you everywhere with me. Another reason to pursue my new and improved dreams in life. She made me feel like I could do anything. Anything. And I will. Dreams, here I come!!! Be ready, because I'm dreaming BIG!

Unintended consequences

Recently I interviewed someone for a job I thought I couldn't do and that had parts I thought were worthy of a yawn. While listening to her speak, I was suddenly astounded at my excitement for a subject I had five minutes ago, found pretty much duller than a butter knife. She spoke about "development" (no, not film, fund raising and such) as if it were a whole world I had never visited. And now I wanted to! Suddenly, it was a language I wanted to learn, a vocabulary I longed to acquire. Suddenly, I knew what I wanted to be! I found myself wishing I had run across such excitement years ago so I could be the one doing this job. Another "ah ha" moment came along when the job candidate spoke about reinventing herself after her original dream had become obsolete with  advances in technology. This was it!! I was NOT too old, nor was it "too late". I had not missed the boat. There IS a way to reinvent myself and still use skills Iv'e acquired along the way. I've laid the foundation in what I've done for so many years and now it's time to build. The joy of finally finding a purpose is exhilarating. I can't wait to make my dreams, my BIG dreams come true!!
And all of this came from interviewing someone for a job I thought I never wanted.

ages and stages

It's been a year and a half since I last saw Dr. Happy. I have gone through many feelings and emotions ranging from relief to extreme anger. I was stubborn and I didn't want to work hard anymore. I had checked out long before I left for good. I knew that then and I REALLY know that now. Hindsight...yeah. I was angry because I wasn't "cured" and I was angry because I thought she didn't care. I stopped believing in myself and as a result, she stopped believing in me. The last session was very bland. No fireworks, no big emotions, just disappearing out the door knowing I was on my own. I was both relieved and terrified and sort of insulted. One of the last questions she asked me was"what will you do when you get in trouble?" Wait...WHEN?! WTF. Isn't she supposed to reassure me that everything is going to be ok? And that I'm ready to fly out into the world on my own? Instead of answering "well, I won't be calling YOU", I mumbled something about "I don't know, I guess I'll be fine". But I got angrier every time I recalled that question. Seriously? She had NO faith in me. Not that I had any faith in myself, but wasn't that her JOB to have faith in me? Maybe not. Maybe I sucked all the oxygen out of the air and left her feeling half dead like I felt every time I left my sessions. I'll never know and I'm pretty sure she will never care. In fact, my angry side thinks she never did care in the first place. At all. Maybe I wasted years of my life believing in something that was never there to begin with. Ugh. If I had to do it again, I think I would have done things differently. I'm not even sure HOW, but just differently. I hate thinking about it, but every so often, the thoughts creep back into my mind and I can't stop them. I'm angry all over again.

I find myself angry and anxious about many things. Little things, that in a year, even just 6 months, won't matter at all. But I sit here contemplating them and feeling my insides boiling again.

I have a lot of work to do.

On a more positive note... :)

I need to raise $4000 by August of 2015. Rather than ask for a handout or even a loan, I'm racking my brain (wracking? Geez...my command of the English language is severely lacking right now) Anyway, I'm pondering the possibilities of how I can reach this goal by giving something instead of just asking and getting. Lots of ideas run through my brain. Benefit recital? Yeah but (there's that inner critic again!) is anyone going to PAY to listen to me sing when they can hear me for free? Hmm. What services can I offer? Babysitting? That's a bunch of babysitting and I have "real" jobs. (that stupid inner critic again). What can I do, that would bring joy to people and in turn raise funds for me to bring joy to MY life? This $4000 is not just for frivolous things. I want to travel with my chorus. This chorus, for some, seems to be a hobby, but it's really a life-sustaining activity for me. I cannot imagine my life without singing in this group. I've been lucky enough to travel with them more than a few times, and each time I learn something about myself and about the world. I discover people and places I would never otherwise have the opportunity to experience.

So, back to what I can do. Why do I draw a blank? Ugh. Ok back to the beginning:
Benefit recital
Babysitting
Housesitting
Party?
Summer Nite?

Why does none of this sound very appealing? Except the recital, of course. And I need someone to play piano for it too. Aaaaaahhhhhh.

Well, I'll keep thinking. I have over a year. :)

Holding it together

Lately, I've been holding it together with virtual glue and tape. Sometimes bandaids and string, but really, just trying to appear whole while hiding the cracks that appear with more frequency than I'd like to admit. I've learned how to function in life without drawing attention to myself and without inviting too many probing questions about what's going on underneath the very fluid surface of my life. I cover my pain in purple. I cover my fears with laughter. I am light-hearted and happy. On the outside. Just don't come too close. Don't look too long. You may notice some scars. You may see behind my eyes, a touch of sadness and longing for something indescribable and maybe even impossible.
But if you keep moving while you smile and wave, you'll see that I'm entirely in one piece. Nothing falling, nothing failing. Just a "regular" person. What does that mean, anyway? What is "regular"? Who is "normal"? Is there even such a thing?

The more I promise myself I will focus on the positive, the more I see the ways in which that is so difficult. I want to be a positive, upbeat person who is enjoyable to be around, but honestly, I also want to be...well, honest. And that means taking the darkness with the light.

But people are scared of the dark. People don't like when someone says "No, actually, I don't want to live to be 90. In fact, I don't want to be 70. I think my life will be just fine if I have a few more good years and that's it.". People think you're crazy if you say that. So I don't. Except I just did. Hmm.. Anyway, I'm not one who wants to get old. I don't want to live forever, and though I have dreams, I know many of them are out of reach. My wish is to go quietly and without anyone really noticing. Almost as if I were to disappear one day.

But for now, I'm holding it together with virtual glue, tape, and anything else that covers the cracks and makes me seem whole. Because people don't understand and frankly, I don't know if I do either.