If You Really Knew Me

Yes, I know it's a cheesy, overused, trite title. I don't care.
If you really you knew me:

You'd know my favorite color isn't blue.
You'd know I am afraid of getting old.
You'd know I'm not afraid of dying.
You'd know that I am sensitive and take lots of things personally.
You'd know I really care about people and want to do right by them.
You'd know I love animals more than I love most people.
You'd know that I am still angry (not at them) that people in my life have died.
You'd know that I can't help being type A and wanting things done "right".
You'd know I can't stand to see injustice.
You'd know I cry when I am alone.
You'd know I am scared of many things including myself.
You'd know that I am afraid of what other people think even though I say I'm not.
You'd know that I sometimes get jealous.
You'd know that I have regrets I wish I could fix.
You'd know that I love gin.
You'd know I want to live in Italy.
You'd know I long to visit Poland and see Auschwitz but I know I would fall into a puddle of tears upon arrival. (just seeing pictures makes me tear up).
You'd know that I hold a grudge.
You'd know that my anxiety is constantly boiling inside me.
You'd know that if I didn't have to leave my apartment, I never would.
You'd know that I both long for and despise compliments.
You'd know I am afraid that someone I know IRL (in real life) will read this blog.
You'd know that if you do read this blog and you know me IRL, you will never mention it.
You'd know that I think some people who claim to be writers, produce the most mind-numbingly boring prose.
You'd know that I think my stepmother doesn't love or even like me.
You'd know that I secretly want to be locked up in a looney bin so I can shut out the real world.
You'd know that I'm ashamed of my country because we have so many riches and share so few of them. There is no reason for people to go homeless or hungry.
You'd know that I hide behind humor when I am most distraught.
You'd know that I feel old and used up.
You'd know that I want to lose 60 pounds but I can't stop eating. Purging doesn't help.
You'd know that I am just a few drinks and moments of insanity away from being an alcoholic.
You'd know that I don't think highly of myself but at the same time I KNOW I'm smart and have a lot to give.
You'd know that writing this list is making me sad.
You'd know that I always feel judged and at the same time, I'm VERY judgmental.
You'd know that I want to "quit my life" and run away...i.e. disappear.
You'd know that I am not writing this for shock value or to "get attention".
You'd know that I mean every word of what I just wrote.

I Hate People

Well, most people anyway. WTH is wrong with everyone these days? I am ready to blow my top at just about everyone in my path. Maybe it's me. Maybe I need to spend some time in a mental hospital getting my sh*t together. I don't know, but something's gotta give. I can't live like this. It's too exhausting. And the next person who tells me to "let it go" will be sorry. I'd love to let it ALL GO!! Everything--my job, my responsibilities, my life, everything. It's hard. It's cruel. Life is a bitch and so am I.

Breaking the Silence

If I have not heard from you, nor spoken to you in YEARS, please do not suddenly text me asking if you can stay in my 1BR/1BA tiny apt with your TWO KIDS...oh, and it's next week. On a work night. WHAT!? No. Bite my ass. How effing rude. I am blocking and deleting you from my life like I did after you never bothered to answer my email or phone calls years ago. Dumb b*tch. WTH. I hate people.

Incompetence abounds

Why is it that the most incompetent people rise to the top so quickly? And how is it that so many people refuse to believe that despite OBVIOUS signs of stupidity, incompetence, and plain inability, that a person might not be worthy of being fired? I work with someone who claims to have had years of experience doing a job. Yet, I find that with my few yeas of volunteering and a few hours of classes in each area, that somehow, I can manage this job better than this person. How is that?

I am SO angry. The person in question cannot follow simple instructions, cannot remember anything, does not write anything down, always says she "didn't know" and gets defensive when called out on her shortcomings. And yet...people LOVE this person. WHAT!? Am I living in an alternate universe? I don't get it. To me, it's clear that this person cannot, for whatever reason, do this job and should be fired immediately.

#stupidpeoplesuck

Hold fast to dreams and to those you love

Life can be quite unfair at times. On Friday, January 9, my beautiful stepsister lost her husband of 24 years to a massive heart attack. He was home alone and found sitting in his favorite chair just as if he'd been resting for a moment. Such a shock to all. I cannot believe he's gone. It seems so surreal. I apologize for the randomness of this entry, but I cannot seem to wrap my thoughts in a nice neat package in order to explain the emptiness I feel. I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose the one you love without warning, without notice, without any chance to say goodbye. My heart aches for my sister and her 3 young daughters who will never see their father again. Such a tragedy. Hold on to the ones you love. Hold them tight and say everything you need to say. Say it now because you never know when it will be too late.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!!

I should have written this long ago, but somehow life got in the way. I hope this reaches you in good health and happiness as we begin a fresh new year. It’s hard to believe 2014 flew by like it did. So much happened! In addition to teaching preschool through Second grade music, my “Special People” who are the most amazing humans anyone could ever know, I started an adventure in nonprofit management. I’ve completed 5 out of 7 classes for the certificate and am pondering taking my career in a new direction when I finish in April. The type A personality in me enjoys the challenge of management and putting forth new ideas to make things better. So many possibilities are out there! I never knew so many wonderful ways existed to make my mark on the world.

Of course, I’ve been singing in PWC, which in fact, inspired me to look into nonprofit management. All of my volunteer work there has made me realize I can make a career out of what I do for “fun”.  Time shall tell if this dream comes true. Speaking of dreams, the PWC will travel to Argentina in August! I’m so lucky to have been afforded these opportunities with my beloved chorus. Never did I think I’d see so much of the world in this wonderful way.

In between teaching and singing, I’ve spent time with the best people in the world—my friends. They are a wacky, quirky, amazingly understanding and supportive group of people. I am lucky to know all of them. They love me anyway. And that’s no small thing. I fly off the handle, I have my meltdowns, I have my opinions about everything, I have my crazy purple pie-in-the-sky dreams, and still they stick by me. They celebrate with me when I’m happy, and they pick up the pieces when things shatter. I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends.

My family is the same way. I’m fortunate.

I wish you all a year filled with happiness, health, and everything that makes you happy.

I hope you find adventure and things you never knew you never knew.

Christmas Eve and almost to the end of the year

Why is it that Christmas eve always signifies the year's impending unstoppable, screeching halt? Another year has gone by and yet I sit here thinking about all that I had hoped to accomplish over the last year. In a way, I've accomplished a lot. In another way, I'm still sitting here wishing I were thinner, smarter, richer (in the $ department), and, wondering if these are just impossible dreams that I should forget.

At this time of year, I reflect about many things. I reflect about how lucky I am to have such amazing friends who care so much about me even when I don't deserve it. My family deserves the same recognition. I can really be a pill sometimes. I also know I'm generous to a fault, kind, caring, and loyal. So, as you can see, there is a paradox here.

I'm thinking of new year's resolutions and how I can make them attainable instead of the same old ones I break every year. I want to lose 50 pounds, get a job in nonprofit management, and live a more grown up life. I want to stop making excuses for what I know I can do if I set my mind to it. I want to travel more and not be a slave to my work. I need to learn the art of saying "no" and the art grace under pressure.

So much to learn. I'm half way through my life and I still have more questions than answers. How did I get this old?! Another question to ponder.

Well, with that, I wish you a happy holiday with everything you love and all the things that matter most to you.

Here's to 2015!!