And I never knew her

I never met her, but I felt like I knew her. She was an avid youtuber and though I began watching her videos for her diet advice, I ended up following her through her journey with triple negative breast cancer. She fought and she fought hard. Through it all, I felt as if I knew her as a friend. I felt as though I knew her family too. Her cute little daughter who finally took her first steps and I cried with joy. Her amazingly dedicated 20-something daughter who took care of her little sister and showed love unlike any I've seen on youtube. And her husband--the rock of the family. I know inside he was in great pain, but he always seemed to be the rock of the family--at least on youtube.

Well, Christina died today. She died. I knew it was coming as I've been through it with real life friends before. I saw the signs--the look in her eyes, the color of her skin, the sound of her voice, the way she spoke so much as though she were in another world already. I never met this woman and yet I feel a huge loss. My heart aches for her family and friends. My heart aches for ME. And she wouldn't have known me if I walked by her. But she was a constant in my life. I watched her videos religiously and waited with bated breath for each one to be posted. At the end, they were less frequent, but still I waited. I keep going to her channel to see if anything is posted. Then it hits me. She is gone. And I never knew her.

Tears. Sadness. Anger. Fuck you, cancer. Fuck you. I hate you. I hate cancer. I hope to see a day when cancer is obliterated from the planet--from our lives. FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!!