Sometimes I wonder...

Where I've been...who I am...do I fit in? Ok, it's a cheesy line from an 80's song I loved to belt out with my hairbrush microphone and tape recorder...yes tape recorder. OUT HERE....ON MY OWN!!!
But seriously, I do wonder about things. I think of myself as purple, creative, organized, and just enough out there to be "interesting", but not totally nuts. At least I hope so.

Today was a day I went into with great trepidation. I attended a workshop where I had to reach deep inside and lose my self for a while. I had to pretend I wasn't self-conscious, I didn't feel ungraceful, and I was willing to pour my soul out to a virtual stranger. Of course, I was not alone in this endeavor, but something like this can easily make me feel like I am larger than life (in more ways than one...and that's for another blog entry). I felt conspicuous and weird. I felt uncomfortable in my skin. I felt everything the leader was telling us NOT to feel. Ugh... But I fought it and finally threw myself into the experience. To my surprise, there were moments of clarity and moments of really believing in what I was expressing. It was scary and beautiful all at the same time.

In the space of 3 hours, I was transformed into a real believer. I CAN make something tangible out of what I thought was only something deep inside me.

With that, I leave you to ponder your own potential.

Oblivion

I swear some people live in a land called Oblivion. They just don't get it. They think it's not their problem, or it will solve itself, or since they have no clue, it can't possibly be that important. Seriously? You can't just shrug your shoulders and call it a day because then your lack of planning DOES make it an emergency on my part. And that's not how the saying goes.

Another day, another dollar...oh wait, this is VOLUNTEER! I always forget that we shouldn't expect anything since it's "only volunteer". Well that's BS. In my book, if you agree to do something, DO IT or at least say you can't and apologize. And don't wait until the eleventh hour to do so.

Over and out. Mostly out.

Don't beat the sopranos down

Seriously. We're the ones who sing the money notes. Don't beat us down until we're so self-conscious and tense, we cannot do our job. Continually telling us we're bad, wrong, slower than the rest, and insinuating that we sing like some kind of french cow, is not the best motivation. Keeping us late so we can endure this is even worse.

Please remember to be kind. Please be patient. We want to be good. We want to please you. Somewhere inside of us all, is a soprano waiting to come out and sing the way we know we can. The way that got us into the group in the first place.

Life's twists and turns

It's funny to see where people have ended up in life and where you are and how you never thought you'd be there. Where I sit today is so far from where I ever dreamed I'd be. Firmly ensconced in my circle of friends in each chapter of my life, I never thought things would change. But they always did. I closed the chapter on high school and went on to college. My college years were certainly a significant chapter, but little did I know, there was more to come. At the crossroads of "what-the-hell-do-I-do-now?" and "OMG-I-just-want-to-get-on-with-my-career", I decided on grad school. I still, to this day, do not know if this was the right choice or not. I ponder the ifs, ands, buts, and how my life might be different if I'd chosen a different path. But one can only ponder for so long before it drives you crazy. It was grad school that ultimately led me to where I am today. After a few years of "finding myself" doing odd jobs and such, failing at teaching because nobody would hire me to do what I really wanted to do, and because nobody would hire me to do what I was good at, I found myself driving across the country looking to reinvent myself and my life. Well, it was a little more complex than that and may or may not have involved a (now ex) boyfriend. But that's beside the point. I'm here now and it's been a wild ride so far.

Facebook presents an interesting view into people's lives. I know it's just the surface of what people want to share--or over-share as the case may be, but I believe facebook gives us all a skewed view about people's successes. Everyone looks happy and fulfilled. (of course they do. DUH! Nobody's gonna post sullen pictures of themselves sitting on the couch wishing they had a life). But I know it's not always the case. And by the way, I am a facebook addict, so I am in no way dissing it. I live there. I find myself and others at the facebook party every morning before work and every night after trashy TV.

So I don't know where this blog is going. It's about as random as this entire blog ever was. I don't even know why I started it. OH--to make millions. Right. Ok, well, it's a bunch of rambling entries that do not relate to each other. I should probably choose a theme....or something. Ah well, I've always taken the road less traveled. Or something.

Una oportunidad para contar estrellas. (an opportunity to count the stars). One of the best one line solos I've ever sung. It still gives me goosebumps.

Resisting temptation

I am currently resisting temptation. It's harder than advertised and takes more energy than anything I can think of. (yes, I know I ended that sentence with a preposition, but nobody reads this anyway, right?) Anyway, as I was saying, resisting temptation is much like struggling against the most persistent warrior who wants to do everything in his/her power to defeat you. Funny thing is, I feel like that trying to resist temptation. Like a warrior doing everything in her power to defeat an enemy. It's brutal. I know I could alleviate this awful full feeling with a few heaves and a ho. Don't ask.
I know I could relieve the boil of anxiety inside with a few slashes on the arm. Again, don't ask. I'm a ball of nerves for no apparent reason.

I look at my life from different angles and I see different things. From one angle I see someone doing something she loves, surrounded by friends, and the benefactor of generosity from all. From another angle, I see an epic failure. How can those two polar opposites be true? How can I all at once, be a successful career person with talents beyond description and an epic failure with no reason to live?
Such a a complex world it is.

I want to run away to Europe and never come home. I've been saying that for 20 years. All talk and no action. I conjure up a thousand excuses about why I can't do it. 20 years' worth of excuses rolled up into one giant ball of fear. I'm afraid and I won't admit it. Fear stops me from "running away" because I don't know what I would be running to. (another sentence ending with a preposition). But, still I say "one day I'll run away to Europe and never come home". Right. And one day I'll lose those 50 pounds again.

Moral of the story....carpe diem. Just carpe diem, people. And never look back.

The Dark Side of Me

Lately I feel the strong urge to engage in destructive behavior. All of the behaviors I have worked so hard to keep at bay. I'm torn between WANTING them back in my life because they're easy, familiar, and comforting in a weird way, and pushing them away with all my might because I remember the rock bottom place they took me to not that long ago. But their pull is so strong....Mia still looms over me all the time and in fact, I let her win tonight. I was angry because I gave in, and still angrier because I didn't do it "well enough". WHAT? And Ana...she mocks me every day. Every hour. I feel so inadequate because I can't even live her life for one hour...I always give in. Mia says she's save me. But she doesn't. Katia is tempting too...if it weren't for the indelible scars she leaves, I'd go for that secret white box of sharp objects. I sit bewildered and confused as to why I'd even entertain such horrible thoughts. I thought I was smarter than this...that's what people always said. But those people didn't understand. They made me feel ashamed and stupid and worthless, which sent me further down the spiral of destruction. I thought I was better, but now I know it was all smoke and mirrors. Drugs to numb me, phony lies, and empty promises. Nobody cared. They never understood. But I believed them for so long! I hate them all now. I resent their conniving ways and their lies shrouded in half truths.
I wish I were dead sometimes. I think of all of the people I know who lost their lives and I feel angry that it was never ME. I didn't even care about life. They wanted to live. And yet, the cruel joke is, I am still alive. Suffering with no way out. I can't escape. It's already been done. I can't do that to my family again. Where is the exit? How do I get out of here? I hate myself and I feel like a fraud. An impostor.

Marching on...

My last post was about how short February is. Well, it flew by and yet it seems a lifetime has passed since last I wrote. I'm feeling my age and noticing the rapid passing of time as I get closer to "a certain age". Ahem. It's almost heart-stopping to think that my life is more than half over. I have less left than I've already lived! Don't mean to be morbid, but it's something with which I struggle when I analyze it too much. Which is all the time. I should stop thinking so much.

Then I find my thoughts rambling over to the "what have I done with my life"? feeling. And I don't know the answer. As such a type A person who always had a "plan" and was driven to stay on the road to success (or at least follow my dreams), I find it oddly ironic that I look back and think I've done next to nothing and more-so that I look forward and have absolutely no idea where I'm going. I guess it all goes back to how I never planned to live this long. I thought my crazy escapades would have taken me off this earth long ago. And quite frankly, they should have. Sigh. I don't know if it's a cruel joke that I'm the one who is still alive while so many dear friends have had their lives cut short. They WANTED to live. I didn't. So...what made it so that I'm still here? I'm the only person I know who isn't afraid of dying. I'm afraid of OTHER people dying, for sure.

People laugh when I say I feel old. I know, by comparison, I'm not *that* old, but * I * feel old...I mean thirty-fourteen? Yikes. I can't even think about it. It's 14 years past what I considered my expiration date. But if I say that out loud, people think I belong in the looney bin. And maybe I do. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be locked up with no expectations of being responsible or even cognizant. I don't know, but it's a thought. Probably not one I should admit.

On another note, I am sick and tired of being fat. I am doing everything I can to return to my lean ways, but somehow, my body is betraying me. I exercise more than I did before, eat less and still I continue to be large. Huge. Enormous. It's so frustrating! Why can other people follow diets and exercise so easily and the pounds fall off? It's probably my own fault for wrecking my metabolism. Karma bites you in the (fat) ass every time.

Ok...enough kvetching for one evening. I don't know if this is helpful to anyone. Maybe I should make use of my <delete> button.