Or hanging from the chandelier. The littlest things get to me these days. I can't pin-point it, but I seem to be quite unable to cope with anything that throws me the slightest bit off kilter. I never was good at change without notice, nor have I ever been good at "going with the flow". I need order, structure, and reliability. I'm kind of OCD that way.
As I said in my last post, I kid of invited Mia in the door and she is surely here. I'm still fat and gross, though, so I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Sigh. The fact that my skin is covered in hives and eczema or whatever the hell the rash-of-the-day is, doesn't help me feel good either. I have the most itchy, sensitive skin in the world. If anyone out there is reading this, please send a cure!
Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. I'm not sure it matter since I don't know if anyone reads this blog anyway. If you're out there (either literally or figuratively or both), let me know. If you know me in real life or if you think you do, you never saw this.
Time for more Sapphire to dull the pain.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Mia is back
Well, despite my efforts (or not), Mia is back in full force. I must admit, I kind of invited her in and said it was ok if she stayed a while. Now she's here and I'm fully ensconced in the world of mia. For those of you who do not know what I'm talking about, "mia" is slang for a deadly eating disorder. I would say it out loud--or in this case, spell it out, but something strange keeps me from doing so. It's as though if I write the word or say it, it makes it real. If I just "allude" to it, it's not really happening. It's just an idea. Right. I'm pretty amazed I've made it this far in life with all the years I spent with Ana, Mia, and Katia. Please don't make me say it...google those terms and see what you get.
And please don't judge. It's hard and it's evil and I judge myself enough for the whole world, so I don't need anyone else helping me out. Thanks.
I'm just so desperate to be perfect, whatever that is. I look in the mirror and see a failure in so many ways. I'm fat, I'm unattractive, I'm short, I'm just not good enough. My hair sticks out no matter how many times I run it through the flat iron. Sometimes I think I wasn't meant to be seen in public. Or anywhere. Sigh. I've invited Mia with open arms because I'm too weak to keep Ana around. I think about Katia all too much but I've kept her at bay for over a year now. The others have always been there, just not always in the forefront.
In a way, it's comforting to have my old crutches around me. I'm embarking on many new adventures these days and the anxiety of that is getting the best of me. I need a crutch or two, right? If only my crutches were as socially acceptable as my friend Sapphire. At least that's acceptable and I don't have to feel anything then. Think I'll have one now.
If you're reading this, I hope you're doing well.
And please don't judge. It's hard and it's evil and I judge myself enough for the whole world, so I don't need anyone else helping me out. Thanks.
I'm just so desperate to be perfect, whatever that is. I look in the mirror and see a failure in so many ways. I'm fat, I'm unattractive, I'm short, I'm just not good enough. My hair sticks out no matter how many times I run it through the flat iron. Sometimes I think I wasn't meant to be seen in public. Or anywhere. Sigh. I've invited Mia with open arms because I'm too weak to keep Ana around. I think about Katia all too much but I've kept her at bay for over a year now. The others have always been there, just not always in the forefront.
In a way, it's comforting to have my old crutches around me. I'm embarking on many new adventures these days and the anxiety of that is getting the best of me. I need a crutch or two, right? If only my crutches were as socially acceptable as my friend Sapphire. At least that's acceptable and I don't have to feel anything then. Think I'll have one now.
If you're reading this, I hope you're doing well.
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