On my mind

I think I've lost a friend. I'm not sure how it all happened, but it ended with a venomous "fuck you" from her and a quick exit out the door. I was left standing speechless and hurt as though I'd just stepped into another world without warning. I don't know how anyone could be so cruel. No matter how angry or upset you get, there's always a better way to solve it aside from cursing someone out. I spent the rest of the day with an uneasy feeling in my stomach. It didn't help that it was the end of a long trip with little sleep, and we were embarking upon our trip home. This was so out of character that it caused me to wonder whether something else was wrong. I didn't have time to ask and now I don't want to ask. I just want to cut the toxic person out of my life. She doesn't seem to think she did anything wrong (or at least hasn't said so) and I have to say I see that as a major character flaw. I'm sure I shouldn't be so judgmental, but I am. And I hold a grudge forever. In other news, I somehow think it's MY fault. A flaw in me, perhaps.

Don't cry for me Argentina

Ok, the title is hokey, but I always seem to leave a piece of my heart in the most unexpected places. Having recently visited Argentina with my beloved chorus, I can easily say that Argentina stole my heart. I was caught unaware and only realized as we were leaving, the way this South American country had drawn me into its soul. The country has so many sights, sounds, smells, and tastes. The tastes usually came in last place since being a vegetarian isn't easy in the land of beef. Despite that, I felt drawn to this place where the laughter, wine, celebration, is abundant way into the wee hours of the morning. During this whirlwind tour, we visited the cemetery in Buenos Aires where Eva Peron was buried,  (don't cry for me Argentina!!--I resisted the strong urge to sing out loud while standing there gazing at the plaque adorned with flowers),  took a trip to Uruguay and walked through a coastal town of Colonia, adorned with Southwestern Colors and a New England flavor. I could have gazed at the scenery forever. We toured the opera house and heard the most amazing soprano rehearsing. Her voice took my breath away and I found tears in my eyes. I had no idea what song she was singing, but it didn't matter. Her voice was not of this world. The Tango show, the estancia (ranch) all had lasting impressions (maybe it was the wine, but those were wonderful adventures). :)
Speaking of wine, we then traveled to Mendoza where wine is made and enjoyed a delicious wine tasting of the smoothest malbec I've ever tasted. Followed, was a lunch of delectable food. Onward we went to discover the city of Mendoza and the majestic Andes mountains that hover above. In snow up to our knees, we saw the most beautiful animals (guanacos--similar to llamas--and condors flying overhead. Sledding was included in this adventure and after being convinced to take part, I didn't regret it! There may or may not be a video with proof that my friend and I went sailing down a hill at top speed. Ahem.

Our last stop was the small city of San Juan. There we completed our singing tour with a festival that included choirs from all over Argentina, one from Germany, Uruguay, and us from the USA. So many people coming together for one purpose, melted my heart. This is the power of music, I thought. It transcends countries, languages, and all that matters are the harmonies that result from a sea of voices all around us. It's what really matters. As it says in the story of Miss Rumphius, "make the world more beautiful, make the world beautiful...." And she says "but I don't yet what I will do". I now know what I will do.

Incredible singing all along the way made this tour the best chorus trip I've been on in my 18 years in the chorus. The cloudy skies never quite gave way enough to see the stars, so I must return. Although I don't speak (much) Spanish, I need una oportunidad para contar estrellas. (an opportunity to count the stars). Argentina, I will return one day. I am humbled by your beauty and by your people who were so kind even when I spoke part Italian, English, and Spanish in the same sentence. As I said, a piece of my heart is still in Argentina, so please take care of it for when I return, I will leave yet another piece of myself there, I'm sure.

There aren't words sufficient to describe this experience, but I am glad I was able to go.

The problem with texting

The problem with texting is that we don't hear the tone of voice. We do not see the the person's face. Therefore, it is easy to misunderstand or misinterpret someone's words. Emoticons can help, but they don't always prevent one or the other party from getting unnecessarily offended.

That said, if you know me well enough and we are texting, you KNOW I'm not intentionally offending you. I have shut off chat on FB and refuse to answer texts on my phone with anything more than "got it, thanks, talk to you later". If you do choose to reach out to me via text, FB message, or even email, and you get offended, it's on YOU. And please refrain from calling me names like "ridiculous" or "crazy". That's offensive.

Superstitious?

Hmm.... So I sometimes apply for jobs and never tell anyone. On purpose. Sometimes because I don't want to jinx it and sometimes because I don't want to explain if I am not hired.
I know talking about it isn't going to sway the decision one way or another, but somehow I feel like if I talk about it, I'll get my hopes up and realize I was never qualified or they hired from within or they had already chosen someone and this was just a formality for "show".
Ultimately, I think it's the embarrassment factor--who wants to talk about a job they're applying for and think they should get, and then have to let people know you weren't hired. So sometimes I just don't want to talk about it. But then sometimes I find out that where I'm applying, they know someone and they contact them! So, hopefully, I get this job for many reasons. Amen.

Commitment Phobes and Me *warning* foul language in this blog

So I seem to attract commitment phobes and people with a lack of ability to understand that a relationship is not just a few dates here and there when it's convenient. That's called dating and if that's what you are looking for, then be fucking clear about it.
Over the last 15-20 years I've "dated" and had relationships with the following kinds of people:

1. 8 years long but can't commit to marriage because "it's just a piece of paper". This was the ultimate demise of our relationship. After dating for 3 years and living together for 5, and no marriage in sight, I left. This was not without warning, nor offers to go to counseling (which were patently refused because "I don't need a counselor to tell me I need to get married when I obviously don't want to". Fast forward 15 years and this asshat is married with a child. He never wanted to kids which was the ONE thing we agreed on. Fucking asshole. And who the FUCK includes that info in their first contact after umpteen years when you find someone on Linked In. What a fucker.

2. Dated a guy for approximately a year and a half. He was always "busy" and scheduling time together was like pulling out a calendar and saying "hey, how's the next year looking for you?". He was married one year after we broke up. Cheat much?

3. Dated a guy for 3 months. Things are going well. He's taking it slow, but whatever, I'm fine with that. He invites me to go to LA for Thanksgiving but I can't go because I have a performance that weekend and would not make it back in time. So off he goes alone and comes back early to break up with me. WHAT? He quotes some cheesy poem about love being like a spark that catches fire. He says there's no spark. So I leave and he texts me to to say he didn't mean to break up with me. Well, I meant to break up with him. SO bite me.

All 3 of these asshats moved on to marry and/or have serious relationships. The common denominator is me, so perhaps I should be calling MYSELF the asshat. I don't know, but I'm NEVER dating anyone EVER again. FUCK MEN. If I could turn myself into a lesbian, I would.

In addition to these fuck-ups, though I went on a few dates with someone I'm fairly sure was married and or a woman, and also went on dates with many people who were clearly not who they said they were in their online profile. By the way, avoid online dating at all costs. Of course, most of my friends met their mates online so maybe it's just me.

I hate people. But not you.

Youtube brings out the worst in people

Why do people on YouTube feel the need to attack others? I don't get it. For the YouTubers themselves, get a grip. If you are putting your life out there, then expect some discussion. I'm not saying you should accept attacks, but make use of your delete/block function if you find something offensive. And by offensive, I don't mean not your opinion. For the commenters, make sure you read the WHOLE FUCKING COMMENT before you tell me what you think I said. FUCK YOU.

See? YouTube brings out the worst. I gotta stop watching this crap. It's making me a horrible person.

Stay happy!

Spring Tag (I know...but got sucked in!)

Spring Tag Questions

1. Favorite Spring nail polish? Lavenders, light blues, pinks, clear with a bit of purple. (OPI has great colors but since I can't afford them, I get knock offs)
2. What is your must-have lip color this Spring? something light and sparkly
3. Show us your favorite Spring dress, outfit or piece of clothing! Pajamas
4. What's your favorite flower? Sunflower
5. Favorite Spring scarf/accessory? none
6. What Spring trend(s) are you most excited about this year? (Makeup, fashion or both!) I don't follow trends. If it's not purple, I'm usually not interested.
7. Favorite Spring candle? Gardenia or jasmine
8. Favorite body spray/perfume for Spring? none too many allergies
9. What is Spring like where you live? Warmish but this year we broke the sky so it's now cold. OUr Winter was like summer. Go figure.
10. What's your favorite thing about Spring? Sunny days.
11. Are you a Spring cleaner? Yes but I'm an always cleaner. Hate dirt.
12. Favorite Spring food/candy? strawberries, blackberries, and raspberries
13. What is your least favorite thing about Spring? Pollen and bugs
14. Any plans for Spring break or an upcoming vacation? Not for Spring, but summer holds plans to visit family and friends in Boston and then Argentina on choir tour!

If You Really Knew Me

Yes, I know it's a cheesy, overused, trite title. I don't care.
If you really you knew me:

You'd know my favorite color isn't blue.
You'd know I am afraid of getting old.
You'd know I'm not afraid of dying.
You'd know that I am sensitive and take lots of things personally.
You'd know I really care about people and want to do right by them.
You'd know I love animals more than I love most people.
You'd know that I am still angry (not at them) that people in my life have died.
You'd know that I can't help being type A and wanting things done "right".
You'd know I can't stand to see injustice.
You'd know I cry when I am alone.
You'd know I am scared of many things including myself.
You'd know that I am afraid of what other people think even though I say I'm not.
You'd know that I sometimes get jealous.
You'd know that I have regrets I wish I could fix.
You'd know that I love gin.
You'd know I want to live in Italy.
You'd know I long to visit Poland and see Auschwitz but I know I would fall into a puddle of tears upon arrival. (just seeing pictures makes me tear up).
You'd know that I hold a grudge.
You'd know that my anxiety is constantly boiling inside me.
You'd know that if I didn't have to leave my apartment, I never would.
You'd know that I both long for and despise compliments.
You'd know I am afraid that someone I know IRL (in real life) will read this blog.
You'd know that if you do read this blog and you know me IRL, you will never mention it.
You'd know that I think some people who claim to be writers, produce the most mind-numbingly boring prose.
You'd know that I think my stepmother doesn't love or even like me.
You'd know that I secretly want to be locked up in a looney bin so I can shut out the real world.
You'd know that I'm ashamed of my country because we have so many riches and share so few of them. There is no reason for people to go homeless or hungry.
You'd know that I hide behind humor when I am most distraught.
You'd know that I feel old and used up.
You'd know that I want to lose 60 pounds but I can't stop eating. Purging doesn't help.
You'd know that I am just a few drinks and moments of insanity away from being an alcoholic.
You'd know that I don't think highly of myself but at the same time I KNOW I'm smart and have a lot to give.
You'd know that writing this list is making me sad.
You'd know that I always feel judged and at the same time, I'm VERY judgmental.
You'd know that I want to "quit my life" and run away...i.e. disappear.
You'd know that I am not writing this for shock value or to "get attention".
You'd know that I mean every word of what I just wrote.

I Hate People

Well, most people anyway. WTH is wrong with everyone these days? I am ready to blow my top at just about everyone in my path. Maybe it's me. Maybe I need to spend some time in a mental hospital getting my sh*t together. I don't know, but something's gotta give. I can't live like this. It's too exhausting. And the next person who tells me to "let it go" will be sorry. I'd love to let it ALL GO!! Everything--my job, my responsibilities, my life, everything. It's hard. It's cruel. Life is a bitch and so am I.

Breaking the Silence

If I have not heard from you, nor spoken to you in YEARS, please do not suddenly text me asking if you can stay in my 1BR/1BA tiny apt with your TWO KIDS...oh, and it's next week. On a work night. WHAT!? No. Bite my ass. How effing rude. I am blocking and deleting you from my life like I did after you never bothered to answer my email or phone calls years ago. Dumb b*tch. WTH. I hate people.

Incompetence abounds

Why is it that the most incompetent people rise to the top so quickly? And how is it that so many people refuse to believe that despite OBVIOUS signs of stupidity, incompetence, and plain inability, that a person might not be worthy of being fired? I work with someone who claims to have had years of experience doing a job. Yet, I find that with my few yeas of volunteering and a few hours of classes in each area, that somehow, I can manage this job better than this person. How is that?

I am SO angry. The person in question cannot follow simple instructions, cannot remember anything, does not write anything down, always says she "didn't know" and gets defensive when called out on her shortcomings. And yet...people LOVE this person. WHAT!? Am I living in an alternate universe? I don't get it. To me, it's clear that this person cannot, for whatever reason, do this job and should be fired immediately.

#stupidpeoplesuck

Hold fast to dreams and to those you love

Life can be quite unfair at times. On Friday, January 9, my beautiful stepsister lost her husband of 24 years to a massive heart attack. He was home alone and found sitting in his favorite chair just as if he'd been resting for a moment. Such a shock to all. I cannot believe he's gone. It seems so surreal. I apologize for the randomness of this entry, but I cannot seem to wrap my thoughts in a nice neat package in order to explain the emptiness I feel. I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose the one you love without warning, without notice, without any chance to say goodbye. My heart aches for my sister and her 3 young daughters who will never see their father again. Such a tragedy. Hold on to the ones you love. Hold them tight and say everything you need to say. Say it now because you never know when it will be too late.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!!

I should have written this long ago, but somehow life got in the way. I hope this reaches you in good health and happiness as we begin a fresh new year. It’s hard to believe 2014 flew by like it did. So much happened! In addition to teaching preschool through Second grade music, my “Special People” who are the most amazing humans anyone could ever know, I started an adventure in nonprofit management. I’ve completed 5 out of 7 classes for the certificate and am pondering taking my career in a new direction when I finish in April. The type A personality in me enjoys the challenge of management and putting forth new ideas to make things better. So many possibilities are out there! I never knew so many wonderful ways existed to make my mark on the world.

Of course, I’ve been singing in PWC, which in fact, inspired me to look into nonprofit management. All of my volunteer work there has made me realize I can make a career out of what I do for “fun”.  Time shall tell if this dream comes true. Speaking of dreams, the PWC will travel to Argentina in August! I’m so lucky to have been afforded these opportunities with my beloved chorus. Never did I think I’d see so much of the world in this wonderful way.

In between teaching and singing, I’ve spent time with the best people in the world—my friends. They are a wacky, quirky, amazingly understanding and supportive group of people. I am lucky to know all of them. They love me anyway. And that’s no small thing. I fly off the handle, I have my meltdowns, I have my opinions about everything, I have my crazy purple pie-in-the-sky dreams, and still they stick by me. They celebrate with me when I’m happy, and they pick up the pieces when things shatter. I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends.

My family is the same way. I’m fortunate.

I wish you all a year filled with happiness, health, and everything that makes you happy.

I hope you find adventure and things you never knew you never knew.