ages and stages

It's been a year and a half since I last saw Dr. Happy. I have gone through many feelings and emotions ranging from relief to extreme anger. I was stubborn and I didn't want to work hard anymore. I had checked out long before I left for good. I knew that then and I REALLY know that now. Hindsight...yeah. I was angry because I wasn't "cured" and I was angry because I thought she didn't care. I stopped believing in myself and as a result, she stopped believing in me. The last session was very bland. No fireworks, no big emotions, just disappearing out the door knowing I was on my own. I was both relieved and terrified and sort of insulted. One of the last questions she asked me was"what will you do when you get in trouble?" Wait...WHEN?! WTF. Isn't she supposed to reassure me that everything is going to be ok? And that I'm ready to fly out into the world on my own? Instead of answering "well, I won't be calling YOU", I mumbled something about "I don't know, I guess I'll be fine". But I got angrier every time I recalled that question. Seriously? She had NO faith in me. Not that I had any faith in myself, but wasn't that her JOB to have faith in me? Maybe not. Maybe I sucked all the oxygen out of the air and left her feeling half dead like I felt every time I left my sessions. I'll never know and I'm pretty sure she will never care. In fact, my angry side thinks she never did care in the first place. At all. Maybe I wasted years of my life believing in something that was never there to begin with. Ugh. If I had to do it again, I think I would have done things differently. I'm not even sure HOW, but just differently. I hate thinking about it, but every so often, the thoughts creep back into my mind and I can't stop them. I'm angry all over again.

I find myself angry and anxious about many things. Little things, that in a year, even just 6 months, won't matter at all. But I sit here contemplating them and feeling my insides boiling again.

I have a lot of work to do.

On a more positive note... :)

I need to raise $4000 by August of 2015. Rather than ask for a handout or even a loan, I'm racking my brain (wracking? Geez...my command of the English language is severely lacking right now) Anyway, I'm pondering the possibilities of how I can reach this goal by giving something instead of just asking and getting. Lots of ideas run through my brain. Benefit recital? Yeah but (there's that inner critic again!) is anyone going to PAY to listen to me sing when they can hear me for free? Hmm. What services can I offer? Babysitting? That's a bunch of babysitting and I have "real" jobs. (that stupid inner critic again). What can I do, that would bring joy to people and in turn raise funds for me to bring joy to MY life? This $4000 is not just for frivolous things. I want to travel with my chorus. This chorus, for some, seems to be a hobby, but it's really a life-sustaining activity for me. I cannot imagine my life without singing in this group. I've been lucky enough to travel with them more than a few times, and each time I learn something about myself and about the world. I discover people and places I would never otherwise have the opportunity to experience.

So, back to what I can do. Why do I draw a blank? Ugh. Ok back to the beginning:
Benefit recital
Babysitting
Housesitting
Party?
Summer Nite?

Why does none of this sound very appealing? Except the recital, of course. And I need someone to play piano for it too. Aaaaaahhhhhh.

Well, I'll keep thinking. I have over a year. :)

Holding it together

Lately, I've been holding it together with virtual glue and tape. Sometimes bandaids and string, but really, just trying to appear whole while hiding the cracks that appear with more frequency than I'd like to admit. I've learned how to function in life without drawing attention to myself and without inviting too many probing questions about what's going on underneath the very fluid surface of my life. I cover my pain in purple. I cover my fears with laughter. I am light-hearted and happy. On the outside. Just don't come too close. Don't look too long. You may notice some scars. You may see behind my eyes, a touch of sadness and longing for something indescribable and maybe even impossible.
But if you keep moving while you smile and wave, you'll see that I'm entirely in one piece. Nothing falling, nothing failing. Just a "regular" person. What does that mean, anyway? What is "regular"? Who is "normal"? Is there even such a thing?

The more I promise myself I will focus on the positive, the more I see the ways in which that is so difficult. I want to be a positive, upbeat person who is enjoyable to be around, but honestly, I also want to be...well, honest. And that means taking the darkness with the light.

But people are scared of the dark. People don't like when someone says "No, actually, I don't want to live to be 90. In fact, I don't want to be 70. I think my life will be just fine if I have a few more good years and that's it.". People think you're crazy if you say that. So I don't. Except I just did. Hmm.. Anyway, I'm not one who wants to get old. I don't want to live forever, and though I have dreams, I know many of them are out of reach. My wish is to go quietly and without anyone really noticing. Almost as if I were to disappear one day.

But for now, I'm holding it together with virtual glue, tape, and anything else that covers the cracks and makes me seem whole. Because people don't understand and frankly, I don't know if I do either.