Anxiety

My insides feel like they're boiling. I want to crawl out of my skin. Antsy, can't breathe, can't sit still, can barely think. I took a pill. Please let it kick in soon. I hate that I can't calm down without a pill. It seems so silly, but sometimes I just can't. Ok, always. Ugh. Anxiety and worry live inside me and often make me feel inferior. I feel worthless and the urge to crawl into the darkness and never come out, is so strong. I want to sleep forever. I want to feel nothing. Numbness, tingling, nothingness. Whatever's left of my "rational" mind, is in shreds. My mind is a jumble of urges to flee everywhere, everything.
Please make it stop. Pills. Yay.

Random thoughts

Random thoughts:

This is a long summer.
I envy people who do not work or don't have to work at least some of the time.
How do people afford vacations?
I hate it when I realize I could have done something great if only I'd taken the chance.
Are we there yet?

It's been a year

F*ck you, Katia. I can't believe I made it. A whole year. A whole freaking long ass year. There have been SO MANY times I've almost given in, but dammit, I've beat you down for a whole year. Now onto year #2. As for Mia, please come back. I'm fat. Sorry.....vices.

Envious and so not proud

Sometimes I am green envy when I hear about other people going on vacations, or attending conferences I wish I could attend, or when it seems as though other people are having more fun than I am. The monster depression gets me down. It's so unattractive when I get that way, but I cannot seem to shake it. Today I finally shook it with a strong drink. I know that's not a healthy coping mechanism, but damn, it made me feel better. Sometimes gin IS the best cure for what ails you.

I have big dreams and I wish I could cut through the crap and get to them. Everything costs money. So much money. I want to take classes. I want to sing in chorus. I want to go on tour. ACK. When I add up the numbers, it's much more than I have. I am sad. I don't want more than my share, I just want a chance to succeed at life.

Time for sleep. Please no weird dreams this time.