Christmas Eve and almost to the end of the year

Why is it that Christmas eve always signifies the year's impending unstoppable, screeching halt? Another year has gone by and yet I sit here thinking about all that I had hoped to accomplish over the last year. In a way, I've accomplished a lot. In another way, I'm still sitting here wishing I were thinner, smarter, richer (in the $ department), and, wondering if these are just impossible dreams that I should forget.

At this time of year, I reflect about many things. I reflect about how lucky I am to have such amazing friends who care so much about me even when I don't deserve it. My family deserves the same recognition. I can really be a pill sometimes. I also know I'm generous to a fault, kind, caring, and loyal. So, as you can see, there is a paradox here.

I'm thinking of new year's resolutions and how I can make them attainable instead of the same old ones I break every year. I want to lose 50 pounds, get a job in nonprofit management, and live a more grown up life. I want to stop making excuses for what I know I can do if I set my mind to it. I want to travel more and not be a slave to my work. I need to learn the art of saying "no" and the art grace under pressure.

So much to learn. I'm half way through my life and I still have more questions than answers. How did I get this old?! Another question to ponder.

Well, with that, I wish you a happy holiday with everything you love and all the things that matter most to you.

Here's to 2015!!

If I want your opinion....

I'll give it to you!

This is how my week has gone. I've come to realize that my opinion is not always wanted--it's validation of another's opinion that is what is being solicited. I try to choose my words carefully, try to be empathetic, try to be kind, and yet, I seem to land in the whirlwind of the mad hatter.

I have learned a lot about what it means to be a good leader. I've learned a lot about what it means to be an ineffective leader. Suffice it to say, I've been learning a great deal--which brings me to my next point. I've been taking classes and finding that the road I'm on isn't the one that's taking me where I want to go. I long to veer off the path and into unchartered territory where I know I could be happier. I want to spread my wings (oh how trite!) and try something new. I've finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

I always thought I'd teach forever. I love teaching. I love the children and watching them learn--watching that "ah ah" moment when they finally get it. But then I get a glimpse of what else is out there and I wonder if that wouldn't make me feel more fulfilled.

I don't know the answer. I love everything I do for different reasons and as always, I want to do it all. I want to make a difference in this world. I definitely need a change.

And I never knew her

I never met her, but I felt like I knew her. She was an avid youtuber and though I began watching her videos for her diet advice, I ended up following her through her journey with triple negative breast cancer. She fought and she fought hard. Through it all, I felt as if I knew her as a friend. I felt as though I knew her family too. Her cute little daughter who finally took her first steps and I cried with joy. Her amazingly dedicated 20-something daughter who took care of her little sister and showed love unlike any I've seen on youtube. And her husband--the rock of the family. I know inside he was in great pain, but he always seemed to be the rock of the family--at least on youtube.

Well, Christina died today. She died. I knew it was coming as I've been through it with real life friends before. I saw the signs--the look in her eyes, the color of her skin, the sound of her voice, the way she spoke so much as though she were in another world already. I never met this woman and yet I feel a huge loss. My heart aches for her family and friends. My heart aches for ME. And she wouldn't have known me if I walked by her. But she was a constant in my life. I watched her videos religiously and waited with bated breath for each one to be posted. At the end, they were less frequent, but still I waited. I keep going to her channel to see if anything is posted. Then it hits me. She is gone. And I never knew her.

Tears. Sadness. Anger. Fuck you, cancer. Fuck you. I hate you. I hate cancer. I hope to see a day when cancer is obliterated from the planet--from our lives. FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!!

Flying off the handle

Or hanging from the chandelier. The littlest things get to me these days. I can't pin-point it, but I seem to be quite unable to cope with anything that throws me the slightest bit off kilter. I never was good at change without notice, nor have I ever been good at "going with the flow". I need order, structure, and reliability. I'm kind of OCD that way.

As I said in my last post, I kid of invited Mia in the door and she is surely here. I'm still fat and gross, though, so I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Sigh. The fact that my skin is covered in hives and eczema or whatever the hell the rash-of-the-day is, doesn't help me feel good either. I have the most itchy, sensitive skin in the world. If anyone out there is reading this, please send a cure!

Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. I'm not sure it matter since I don't know if anyone reads this blog anyway. If you're out there (either literally or figuratively or both), let me know. If you know me in real life or if you think you do, you never saw this.

Time for more Sapphire to dull the pain.

Mia is back

Well, despite my efforts (or not), Mia is back in full force. I must admit, I kind of invited her in and said it was ok if she stayed a while. Now she's here and I'm fully ensconced in the world of mia. For those of you who do not know what I'm talking about, "mia" is slang for a deadly eating disorder. I would say it out loud--or in this case, spell it out, but something strange keeps me from doing so. It's as though if I write the word or say it, it makes it real. If I just "allude" to it, it's not really happening. It's just an idea. Right. I'm pretty amazed I've made it this far in life with all the years I spent with Ana, Mia, and Katia. Please don't make me say it...google those terms and see what you get.
And please don't judge. It's hard and it's evil and I judge myself enough for the whole world, so I don't need anyone else helping me out. Thanks.

I'm just so desperate to be perfect, whatever that is. I look in the mirror and see a failure in so many ways. I'm fat, I'm unattractive, I'm short, I'm just not good enough. My hair sticks out no matter how many times I run it through the flat iron. Sometimes I think I wasn't meant to be seen in public. Or anywhere. Sigh. I've invited Mia with open arms because I'm too weak to keep Ana around. I think about Katia all too much but I've kept her at bay for over a year now. The others have always been there, just not always in the forefront.

In a way, it's comforting to have my old crutches around me. I'm embarking on many new adventures these days and the anxiety of that is getting the best of me. I need a crutch or two, right? If only my crutches were as socially acceptable as my friend Sapphire. At least that's acceptable and I don't have to feel anything then. Think I'll have one now.

If you're reading this, I hope you're doing well.

The other side of hearing impairment

I have a lot of friends and family who have hearing loss or hearing impairment. Some wear hearing aids and others think they hear just fine, but the rest of the world just mumbles or speaks too softly. Yes, you should always face a person with hearing loss when you are speaking to them. You should enunciate without overdoing it so as to make them feel bad. You should speak in a normal tone of voice but make sure you are projecting so the voice will carry. However....it's VERY frustrating when your loved one constantly says "what?" EVERY TIME YOU SAY ANYTHING. After repeating myself 3 times in a kind, clear manner, and they still can't hear me, I feel like I shouldn't talk anymore. I'm not saying I'm angry with the person, just frustrated. It's hard to have a conversation when you have to repeat everything and use a loud voice which strains my throat. I wish I had a microphone or something that would transmit the sound so that the hearing impaired person could hear more clearly. I know I sound like an asshat, but I think hearing impaired people should do EVERYTHING they can to ensure they get the devices necessary to hear every day conversation. The technology exists. Rant over. Judgy pants still on.

Anxiety

My insides feel like they're boiling. I want to crawl out of my skin. Antsy, can't breathe, can't sit still, can barely think. I took a pill. Please let it kick in soon. I hate that I can't calm down without a pill. It seems so silly, but sometimes I just can't. Ok, always. Ugh. Anxiety and worry live inside me and often make me feel inferior. I feel worthless and the urge to crawl into the darkness and never come out, is so strong. I want to sleep forever. I want to feel nothing. Numbness, tingling, nothingness. Whatever's left of my "rational" mind, is in shreds. My mind is a jumble of urges to flee everywhere, everything.
Please make it stop. Pills. Yay.

Random thoughts

Random thoughts:

This is a long summer.
I envy people who do not work or don't have to work at least some of the time.
How do people afford vacations?
I hate it when I realize I could have done something great if only I'd taken the chance.
Are we there yet?

It's been a year

F*ck you, Katia. I can't believe I made it. A whole year. A whole freaking long ass year. There have been SO MANY times I've almost given in, but dammit, I've beat you down for a whole year. Now onto year #2. As for Mia, please come back. I'm fat. Sorry.....vices.

Envious and so not proud

Sometimes I am green envy when I hear about other people going on vacations, or attending conferences I wish I could attend, or when it seems as though other people are having more fun than I am. The monster depression gets me down. It's so unattractive when I get that way, but I cannot seem to shake it. Today I finally shook it with a strong drink. I know that's not a healthy coping mechanism, but damn, it made me feel better. Sometimes gin IS the best cure for what ails you.

I have big dreams and I wish I could cut through the crap and get to them. Everything costs money. So much money. I want to take classes. I want to sing in chorus. I want to go on tour. ACK. When I add up the numbers, it's much more than I have. I am sad. I don't want more than my share, I just want a chance to succeed at life.

Time for sleep. Please no weird dreams this time.

Stupid diet...don't leave me.

So I started yet another diet. Sigh. It's probably the 5000th one I've done in my lifetime and it probably won't be the last. It's my version of the ever popular "Slow Carb" or "4 hour body" or whatever the f*ck it's called. In short it eliminates most of my favorite food groups: Cheese and carbs. After a little more than 2 weeks (it seems like 2 years at this point), I am desperately craving everything I'm not supposed to eat. I have "cheated" like the diet says you can, but seriously, I want a giant pile of nachos with cheese, sour cream, and a side of mac and cheese. And pizza. And extra carbs in my mashed potatoes for dessert. Ugh. At the same time I want to dive into the dairy-carbed out deliciousness, I am actually AFRAID of those foods now. I see them and I immediately hear the dialogue in my head about you can have some, You can't have some. You *could* have some, But you *shouldn't* have any. But you could have it all. So now I'm teetering precariously on the edge of f*ck this stupid ass diet and maybe if I keep doing this, I'll actually be skinny. Right. I know I'll NEVER be skinny. Even when I was skinny (by society's standards) I was still fat. And in case you're wondering, yes, I have eating/food issues. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, purged it, and started again.
Isn't there a magic pill or something? Sigh.......

I really am grateful

A cheesy I am grateful for post: (you've been warned)

I am grateful for the wonderful and generous friends and family who surround me every day as I wander through life.

I am grateful for the people who remind that being rich doesn't always mean having a lot of money.

Although I admit to being envious of those who seem to be able to travel frequently, attend interesting events, and do things outside of the wherewithal (is that a word?) of my bank account, I realize I am so fortunate. I have seen much of the world through the eyes of my chorus (next stop: Argentina!)

Do I wish I could do more? Yes. Am I still grateful? Definitely. Am I sometimes still envious? YES.
Sigh....

Another almost missed opportunity

I almost missed meeting the coolest person I've met in a long time. And....she's related to me! Because I was tired, grouchy, and feeling selfish, I almost didn't meet her. But, I scrambled to GMST (get my sh*t together) and I agreed to meet her. I have never been more glad that I went against my instinct. She was AWESOME. Exciting, funny, smart, kind, hilarious, and awesome in every way possible. I can't wait until the next time I can see her. I left feeling like I wanted to BE her...only in my own way. To my surprise, she, too, thought I was fabulous. I love when that happens. And yes, flattery will get you everywhere with me. Another reason to pursue my new and improved dreams in life. She made me feel like I could do anything. Anything. And I will. Dreams, here I come!!! Be ready, because I'm dreaming BIG!

Unintended consequences

Recently I interviewed someone for a job I thought I couldn't do and that had parts I thought were worthy of a yawn. While listening to her speak, I was suddenly astounded at my excitement for a subject I had five minutes ago, found pretty much duller than a butter knife. She spoke about "development" (no, not film, fund raising and such) as if it were a whole world I had never visited. And now I wanted to! Suddenly, it was a language I wanted to learn, a vocabulary I longed to acquire. Suddenly, I knew what I wanted to be! I found myself wishing I had run across such excitement years ago so I could be the one doing this job. Another "ah ha" moment came along when the job candidate spoke about reinventing herself after her original dream had become obsolete with  advances in technology. This was it!! I was NOT too old, nor was it "too late". I had not missed the boat. There IS a way to reinvent myself and still use skills Iv'e acquired along the way. I've laid the foundation in what I've done for so many years and now it's time to build. The joy of finally finding a purpose is exhilarating. I can't wait to make my dreams, my BIG dreams come true!!
And all of this came from interviewing someone for a job I thought I never wanted.

ages and stages

It's been a year and a half since I last saw Dr. Happy. I have gone through many feelings and emotions ranging from relief to extreme anger. I was stubborn and I didn't want to work hard anymore. I had checked out long before I left for good. I knew that then and I REALLY know that now. Hindsight...yeah. I was angry because I wasn't "cured" and I was angry because I thought she didn't care. I stopped believing in myself and as a result, she stopped believing in me. The last session was very bland. No fireworks, no big emotions, just disappearing out the door knowing I was on my own. I was both relieved and terrified and sort of insulted. One of the last questions she asked me was"what will you do when you get in trouble?" Wait...WHEN?! WTF. Isn't she supposed to reassure me that everything is going to be ok? And that I'm ready to fly out into the world on my own? Instead of answering "well, I won't be calling YOU", I mumbled something about "I don't know, I guess I'll be fine". But I got angrier every time I recalled that question. Seriously? She had NO faith in me. Not that I had any faith in myself, but wasn't that her JOB to have faith in me? Maybe not. Maybe I sucked all the oxygen out of the air and left her feeling half dead like I felt every time I left my sessions. I'll never know and I'm pretty sure she will never care. In fact, my angry side thinks she never did care in the first place. At all. Maybe I wasted years of my life believing in something that was never there to begin with. Ugh. If I had to do it again, I think I would have done things differently. I'm not even sure HOW, but just differently. I hate thinking about it, but every so often, the thoughts creep back into my mind and I can't stop them. I'm angry all over again.

I find myself angry and anxious about many things. Little things, that in a year, even just 6 months, won't matter at all. But I sit here contemplating them and feeling my insides boiling again.

I have a lot of work to do.

On a more positive note... :)

I need to raise $4000 by August of 2015. Rather than ask for a handout or even a loan, I'm racking my brain (wracking? Geez...my command of the English language is severely lacking right now) Anyway, I'm pondering the possibilities of how I can reach this goal by giving something instead of just asking and getting. Lots of ideas run through my brain. Benefit recital? Yeah but (there's that inner critic again!) is anyone going to PAY to listen to me sing when they can hear me for free? Hmm. What services can I offer? Babysitting? That's a bunch of babysitting and I have "real" jobs. (that stupid inner critic again). What can I do, that would bring joy to people and in turn raise funds for me to bring joy to MY life? This $4000 is not just for frivolous things. I want to travel with my chorus. This chorus, for some, seems to be a hobby, but it's really a life-sustaining activity for me. I cannot imagine my life without singing in this group. I've been lucky enough to travel with them more than a few times, and each time I learn something about myself and about the world. I discover people and places I would never otherwise have the opportunity to experience.

So, back to what I can do. Why do I draw a blank? Ugh. Ok back to the beginning:
Benefit recital
Babysitting
Housesitting
Party?
Summer Nite?

Why does none of this sound very appealing? Except the recital, of course. And I need someone to play piano for it too. Aaaaaahhhhhh.

Well, I'll keep thinking. I have over a year. :)

Holding it together

Lately, I've been holding it together with virtual glue and tape. Sometimes bandaids and string, but really, just trying to appear whole while hiding the cracks that appear with more frequency than I'd like to admit. I've learned how to function in life without drawing attention to myself and without inviting too many probing questions about what's going on underneath the very fluid surface of my life. I cover my pain in purple. I cover my fears with laughter. I am light-hearted and happy. On the outside. Just don't come too close. Don't look too long. You may notice some scars. You may see behind my eyes, a touch of sadness and longing for something indescribable and maybe even impossible.
But if you keep moving while you smile and wave, you'll see that I'm entirely in one piece. Nothing falling, nothing failing. Just a "regular" person. What does that mean, anyway? What is "regular"? Who is "normal"? Is there even such a thing?

The more I promise myself I will focus on the positive, the more I see the ways in which that is so difficult. I want to be a positive, upbeat person who is enjoyable to be around, but honestly, I also want to be...well, honest. And that means taking the darkness with the light.

But people are scared of the dark. People don't like when someone says "No, actually, I don't want to live to be 90. In fact, I don't want to be 70. I think my life will be just fine if I have a few more good years and that's it.". People think you're crazy if you say that. So I don't. Except I just did. Hmm.. Anyway, I'm not one who wants to get old. I don't want to live forever, and though I have dreams, I know many of them are out of reach. My wish is to go quietly and without anyone really noticing. Almost as if I were to disappear one day.

But for now, I'm holding it together with virtual glue, tape, and anything else that covers the cracks and makes me seem whole. Because people don't understand and frankly, I don't know if I do either.

Sometimes I wonder...

Where I've been...who I am...do I fit in? Ok, it's a cheesy line from an 80's song I loved to belt out with my hairbrush microphone and tape recorder...yes tape recorder. OUT HERE....ON MY OWN!!!
But seriously, I do wonder about things. I think of myself as purple, creative, organized, and just enough out there to be "interesting", but not totally nuts. At least I hope so.

Today was a day I went into with great trepidation. I attended a workshop where I had to reach deep inside and lose my self for a while. I had to pretend I wasn't self-conscious, I didn't feel ungraceful, and I was willing to pour my soul out to a virtual stranger. Of course, I was not alone in this endeavor, but something like this can easily make me feel like I am larger than life (in more ways than one...and that's for another blog entry). I felt conspicuous and weird. I felt uncomfortable in my skin. I felt everything the leader was telling us NOT to feel. Ugh... But I fought it and finally threw myself into the experience. To my surprise, there were moments of clarity and moments of really believing in what I was expressing. It was scary and beautiful all at the same time.

In the space of 3 hours, I was transformed into a real believer. I CAN make something tangible out of what I thought was only something deep inside me.

With that, I leave you to ponder your own potential.

Oblivion

I swear some people live in a land called Oblivion. They just don't get it. They think it's not their problem, or it will solve itself, or since they have no clue, it can't possibly be that important. Seriously? You can't just shrug your shoulders and call it a day because then your lack of planning DOES make it an emergency on my part. And that's not how the saying goes.

Another day, another dollar...oh wait, this is VOLUNTEER! I always forget that we shouldn't expect anything since it's "only volunteer". Well that's BS. In my book, if you agree to do something, DO IT or at least say you can't and apologize. And don't wait until the eleventh hour to do so.

Over and out. Mostly out.

Don't beat the sopranos down

Seriously. We're the ones who sing the money notes. Don't beat us down until we're so self-conscious and tense, we cannot do our job. Continually telling us we're bad, wrong, slower than the rest, and insinuating that we sing like some kind of french cow, is not the best motivation. Keeping us late so we can endure this is even worse.

Please remember to be kind. Please be patient. We want to be good. We want to please you. Somewhere inside of us all, is a soprano waiting to come out and sing the way we know we can. The way that got us into the group in the first place.

Life's twists and turns

It's funny to see where people have ended up in life and where you are and how you never thought you'd be there. Where I sit today is so far from where I ever dreamed I'd be. Firmly ensconced in my circle of friends in each chapter of my life, I never thought things would change. But they always did. I closed the chapter on high school and went on to college. My college years were certainly a significant chapter, but little did I know, there was more to come. At the crossroads of "what-the-hell-do-I-do-now?" and "OMG-I-just-want-to-get-on-with-my-career", I decided on grad school. I still, to this day, do not know if this was the right choice or not. I ponder the ifs, ands, buts, and how my life might be different if I'd chosen a different path. But one can only ponder for so long before it drives you crazy. It was grad school that ultimately led me to where I am today. After a few years of "finding myself" doing odd jobs and such, failing at teaching because nobody would hire me to do what I really wanted to do, and because nobody would hire me to do what I was good at, I found myself driving across the country looking to reinvent myself and my life. Well, it was a little more complex than that and may or may not have involved a (now ex) boyfriend. But that's beside the point. I'm here now and it's been a wild ride so far.

Facebook presents an interesting view into people's lives. I know it's just the surface of what people want to share--or over-share as the case may be, but I believe facebook gives us all a skewed view about people's successes. Everyone looks happy and fulfilled. (of course they do. DUH! Nobody's gonna post sullen pictures of themselves sitting on the couch wishing they had a life). But I know it's not always the case. And by the way, I am a facebook addict, so I am in no way dissing it. I live there. I find myself and others at the facebook party every morning before work and every night after trashy TV.

So I don't know where this blog is going. It's about as random as this entire blog ever was. I don't even know why I started it. OH--to make millions. Right. Ok, well, it's a bunch of rambling entries that do not relate to each other. I should probably choose a theme....or something. Ah well, I've always taken the road less traveled. Or something.

Una oportunidad para contar estrellas. (an opportunity to count the stars). One of the best one line solos I've ever sung. It still gives me goosebumps.

Resisting temptation

I am currently resisting temptation. It's harder than advertised and takes more energy than anything I can think of. (yes, I know I ended that sentence with a preposition, but nobody reads this anyway, right?) Anyway, as I was saying, resisting temptation is much like struggling against the most persistent warrior who wants to do everything in his/her power to defeat you. Funny thing is, I feel like that trying to resist temptation. Like a warrior doing everything in her power to defeat an enemy. It's brutal. I know I could alleviate this awful full feeling with a few heaves and a ho. Don't ask.
I know I could relieve the boil of anxiety inside with a few slashes on the arm. Again, don't ask. I'm a ball of nerves for no apparent reason.

I look at my life from different angles and I see different things. From one angle I see someone doing something she loves, surrounded by friends, and the benefactor of generosity from all. From another angle, I see an epic failure. How can those two polar opposites be true? How can I all at once, be a successful career person with talents beyond description and an epic failure with no reason to live?
Such a a complex world it is.

I want to run away to Europe and never come home. I've been saying that for 20 years. All talk and no action. I conjure up a thousand excuses about why I can't do it. 20 years' worth of excuses rolled up into one giant ball of fear. I'm afraid and I won't admit it. Fear stops me from "running away" because I don't know what I would be running to. (another sentence ending with a preposition). But, still I say "one day I'll run away to Europe and never come home". Right. And one day I'll lose those 50 pounds again.

Moral of the story....carpe diem. Just carpe diem, people. And never look back.

The Dark Side of Me

Lately I feel the strong urge to engage in destructive behavior. All of the behaviors I have worked so hard to keep at bay. I'm torn between WANTING them back in my life because they're easy, familiar, and comforting in a weird way, and pushing them away with all my might because I remember the rock bottom place they took me to not that long ago. But their pull is so strong....Mia still looms over me all the time and in fact, I let her win tonight. I was angry because I gave in, and still angrier because I didn't do it "well enough". WHAT? And Ana...she mocks me every day. Every hour. I feel so inadequate because I can't even live her life for one hour...I always give in. Mia says she's save me. But she doesn't. Katia is tempting too...if it weren't for the indelible scars she leaves, I'd go for that secret white box of sharp objects. I sit bewildered and confused as to why I'd even entertain such horrible thoughts. I thought I was smarter than this...that's what people always said. But those people didn't understand. They made me feel ashamed and stupid and worthless, which sent me further down the spiral of destruction. I thought I was better, but now I know it was all smoke and mirrors. Drugs to numb me, phony lies, and empty promises. Nobody cared. They never understood. But I believed them for so long! I hate them all now. I resent their conniving ways and their lies shrouded in half truths.
I wish I were dead sometimes. I think of all of the people I know who lost their lives and I feel angry that it was never ME. I didn't even care about life. They wanted to live. And yet, the cruel joke is, I am still alive. Suffering with no way out. I can't escape. It's already been done. I can't do that to my family again. Where is the exit? How do I get out of here? I hate myself and I feel like a fraud. An impostor.

Marching on...

My last post was about how short February is. Well, it flew by and yet it seems a lifetime has passed since last I wrote. I'm feeling my age and noticing the rapid passing of time as I get closer to "a certain age". Ahem. It's almost heart-stopping to think that my life is more than half over. I have less left than I've already lived! Don't mean to be morbid, but it's something with which I struggle when I analyze it too much. Which is all the time. I should stop thinking so much.

Then I find my thoughts rambling over to the "what have I done with my life"? feeling. And I don't know the answer. As such a type A person who always had a "plan" and was driven to stay on the road to success (or at least follow my dreams), I find it oddly ironic that I look back and think I've done next to nothing and more-so that I look forward and have absolutely no idea where I'm going. I guess it all goes back to how I never planned to live this long. I thought my crazy escapades would have taken me off this earth long ago. And quite frankly, they should have. Sigh. I don't know if it's a cruel joke that I'm the one who is still alive while so many dear friends have had their lives cut short. They WANTED to live. I didn't. So...what made it so that I'm still here? I'm the only person I know who isn't afraid of dying. I'm afraid of OTHER people dying, for sure.

People laugh when I say I feel old. I know, by comparison, I'm not *that* old, but * I * feel old...I mean thirty-fourteen? Yikes. I can't even think about it. It's 14 years past what I considered my expiration date. But if I say that out loud, people think I belong in the looney bin. And maybe I do. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be locked up with no expectations of being responsible or even cognizant. I don't know, but it's a thought. Probably not one I should admit.

On another note, I am sick and tired of being fat. I am doing everything I can to return to my lean ways, but somehow, my body is betraying me. I exercise more than I did before, eat less and still I continue to be large. Huge. Enormous. It's so frustrating! Why can other people follow diets and exercise so easily and the pounds fall off? It's probably my own fault for wrecking my metabolism. Karma bites you in the (fat) ass every time.

Ok...enough kvetching for one evening. I don't know if this is helpful to anyone. Maybe I should make use of my <delete> button.

February

The shortest and most intense month of the year. Well, the shortest anyway. I'm pondering the way time flies by and how I still feel like it's 1980 and I'm a little kid. Where does the time go? How have I managed to get to ...ahem...middle age?!!!! Ack.

Ah well... I had a small realization tonight that my life is pretty good. I have jobs I love and hobbies I love even more. I'm surrounded by an eclectic group of people I call friends and they are the most generous, kind, loving, amazing people I could ever be lucky enough to know. I pretty much hit the lottery of friends.

I guess that's it for tonight. I wish I had more to say, but I feel lost for words.

Late night musings

I always admire people who blog frequently or at least on a regular basis. I also admire people who blog about something specific--a trip to somewhere fantastic, adventures in the life of mom, or whatever. My blog seems to be a random smattering of sarcasm and self-indulgent prattle. Ah well...I shouldn't go on another "everyone's better than I am at everything" jag, which this could quickly turn into if I'm not careful. But I'll be careful.

I really do enjoy writing and words have so much interest to me. Almost as much as the color that adorns most of my life. I love combinations of words and how they mean more when you add one to the other in just the most eloquent way. Or even not in an eloquent way, but just some way that sparks an interest you never knew was there.

I often wonder do people read this blog? Do they stumble upon it and read a few words and then move on? Or do they seek it out to find out the next Sapphire Soprano musing? Either way, I'm happy writing it. I throw my thoughts into the universe and wonder if they'll come back.

I find myself inspired lately and wonder if that's how the paths of life go. Every turn and twist in the proverbial road can change everything. I like that.

As a great poet said, "I took the road less traveled and that has made all the difference". (or something like that)

SS

Insomnia?

It's way too late and I'm still awake pondering my existence or something like that. Insomnia is a strange and mysterious creature.

I'm at some point where I start thinking about my life and where it went, where it's going, and where it is. I've done so much, yet I've accomplished nothing when I think of the long (and as of now incomplete) bucket list of mine. Sigh. I get so caught up in the mundane that I think I forget to live. Wait, does that make me dead? Hmm.

On a random note, I've decided to dye my hair blue along with the purple. I'm sure my mother will love it. Not.

SS