Mia is back

Well, despite my efforts (or not), Mia is back in full force. I must admit, I kind of invited her in and said it was ok if she stayed a while. Now she's here and I'm fully ensconced in the world of mia. For those of you who do not know what I'm talking about, "mia" is slang for a deadly eating disorder. I would say it out loud--or in this case, spell it out, but something strange keeps me from doing so. It's as though if I write the word or say it, it makes it real. If I just "allude" to it, it's not really happening. It's just an idea. Right. I'm pretty amazed I've made it this far in life with all the years I spent with Ana, Mia, and Katia. Please don't make me say it...google those terms and see what you get.
And please don't judge. It's hard and it's evil and I judge myself enough for the whole world, so I don't need anyone else helping me out. Thanks.

I'm just so desperate to be perfect, whatever that is. I look in the mirror and see a failure in so many ways. I'm fat, I'm unattractive, I'm short, I'm just not good enough. My hair sticks out no matter how many times I run it through the flat iron. Sometimes I think I wasn't meant to be seen in public. Or anywhere. Sigh. I've invited Mia with open arms because I'm too weak to keep Ana around. I think about Katia all too much but I've kept her at bay for over a year now. The others have always been there, just not always in the forefront.

In a way, it's comforting to have my old crutches around me. I'm embarking on many new adventures these days and the anxiety of that is getting the best of me. I need a crutch or two, right? If only my crutches were as socially acceptable as my friend Sapphire. At least that's acceptable and I don't have to feel anything then. Think I'll have one now.

If you're reading this, I hope you're doing well.